Faun Harmony
by An Cathal Toirmisce
Summary: Where poor, unsuspecting Mr. Tumnus is forced to find true love through dating service, Faun Harmony. Spoof of online dating, full of inside jokes, stupid humor. For Natalie Tumnus/OC


**A/N: Okay, just warning anyone here who's name is not Natalie, you probably will not understand this. It's highly stupid, and full of inside jokes. Read on at your own risk!**

Mr. Tumnus sat in his chambers in Cair Paravel, sipping his afternoon tea, and feeling somewhat lonely. Usually Queen Lucy accompanied him in his afternoon teas; however, she was in a meeting with her brothers and sister about the relationship between Narnia and Ettinsmoor. This in mind, it was perfectly acceptable for his little queen to miss tea. However, he did miss the company.

As if it were a wish granted by a genie (or, perhaps, a star up in the sky who had it in for poor, unsuspecting Mr. Tumnus,) two dryads suddenly appeared in his doorway. He recognized them; they were young, adolescents really, going by the names of Christine and Elizabeth. They were most often gallivanting through the corridors of the castle together, talking at rapid paces, and laughing at fried chicken as though there were nothing funnier than it in the world.

"Hullo, Master Tumnus!" Christine said cheerfully, as Elizabeth echoed.

"Hello," Tumnus sighed, trying to hide the fact that he was none too fond of either dryad. "What brings you two to this end of Cair Paravel?"

The two dryads began walking towards his chair. It was less than a minute before Christine's willowy hands were gripping the left arm of the chair, and Elizabeth's birch was gripping the right. Just like that, poor, unsuspecting Mr. Tumnus was trapped.

"About that," Elizabeth said, grinning like a Cheshire. "We were in Beruna recently…"

"And we saw something we thought you'd like," Christine finished for Elizabeth, reaching into her pocket for something.

"Excuse me!" Tumnus called, not to the girls, but to the narrator. "I don't mean to be rude, but why on earth does Christine suddenly have a pocket?"

Because this is fan fiction, Tumnus, and if the wannabe writers can get by with Mary Sues and plot holes that a camel could get through, VampyKaee23 should be able to make a pocket spontaneously appear on a dryad.

"Great," Elizabeth said with a groan, "now this is an author insertion?"

Elizabeth, you haven't the slightest idea. May I go on now?

"Could Christine at least have a purse? It would make more sense…"

Fine, as long as we can go on from there.

"About that," Elizabeth said, grinning like a Cheshire. "We were in Beruna recently…"

"And we saw something we thought you'd like," Christine finished for Elizabeth, reaching into her _purse_ for something.

Tumnus's brow quivered, not liking the look on the dryad's faces. "And what might that be?"

Christine then whipped out what appeared to be a newspaper of sorts. Although, I'm not entirely sure they had newspapers in Narnia, or if there were female fauns, which is coming up later. For the sake of finally moving on in this story, we shall just say that it was an ad posted, on, like, a piece of parchment of something.

"What is that?" Tumnus asked, lightly, eyeing the parchment.

"It's called Faun Harmony!" The two dryads said together.

"Faun what?"

"Faun Harmony!" Christine cheered. "It's a program that helps lonely fauns like you all throughout Narnia find true love!"

"You fill out this quiz," Elizabeth continued for her friend, reaching into the purse herself to take out two reasonably heavy booklets, "and you get a number. Then there's a list of girl fauns who have already registered, and you look to see whose number is compatible with your own."

"And then," Christine said, becoming excited, "you go out to brunch or something, and then, once you find someone you really like, you're cured of your geneophobia forever!"

"My what?"

Elizabeth gasped. "Christine! You weren't supposed to reveal our ulterior motive! Now we have to raise the rating to a T."

"Hey, I'm just saying that he's going to need to learn that the stuff down there is there for a reason." Christine said, tossing her hair from one shoulder to the other.

"Goodness, gracious me!" Tumnus said, almost falling out of his chair. "This is not proper behavior…"

"Oh, calm down!" Christine said. "Nothing's final anyway. Just take the quiz, and go on a few dates."

The dryads flicked open one of the booklets, and began the quiz, "Now," they said together. "Would you say you like your bath water hot, lukewarm, or cold?"

They were still blocking his way out, and poor Tumnus simply groaned and had no choice but to answer the questions. He felt like a prisoner being interrogated.

XXXXX

He could not believe that Christine and Elizabeth had actually convinced him to do this. Technically, they hadn't convinced him of anything; they, more or less, made him. The two had a queer manner of persuasion, as though they didn't even assume that he could possibly be content—or all right in the head—until he had found true love.

Well, Tumnus was in this mess, so he might as well go on the dates the dryads were forcing him to go on. He decided to be friendly and polite and, perhaps, he would get a friendship out of it—as he was skeptical to a mere quiz revealing who he could be happy with in a romantic sense. Christine and Elizabeth had both picked out four dates for Tumnus, and had set them up themselves, one date per week. There was Monica, Sarah, Kristin, and Kate. Monica was the first, and they were going to the Spring Festival in Beruna. Truth be told, Tumnus was a little excited and nervous; after all, he knew nothing about Monica.

"Are you Tumnus?" a quick, girlish voice said. "Because I was supposed to meet a faun here named Tumnus. I'm Monica. If you aren't Tumnus, I don't want to be rude, but I don't want him to think I brought my brother along. Or, just think, he might even assume that you were me—oh that would be a shock, wouldn't it? So, what's your name?"

The girl faun seemed overly talkative, but Tumnus decided to give the benefit of the doubt; she was probably more nervous than he was.

"I am Tumnus," he said, but was entirely unable to finish before Monica began talking again.

"Brilliant," she said, "I thought you might be. I have an eye for these things, you know. I once suggested this handsome satyr for my friend, Leila, and they got married! Maybe he did run away with her sister a year later, but the point is that they got married."

Tumnus blinked at his date, and tried to redirect the conversation, but Monica just continued on.

"And, besides, I always said to her, I said, 'Leila, he's gonna run away with your sister if you don't lose a little weight,' and look what happened. So it does look like I have an eye for these things. Just like with you, Tumnus. Let me see, you look like a Taurus, you like long walks in the Western Wood, your best friend is Queen Lucy, and you like one scoop of sugar and milk in your tea…"

Tumnus stared. "I'm not sure how'd you know all that," he stammered, beginning to feel uncomfortable; all of Monica's guesses were correct.

"Oh, that," Monica said, "I do get so tired of getting set up with all of these disgusting fauns on these dates, so I hired someone to learn some things about you."

Tumnus stared again. Had his blind date really hired someone to _stalk _him? "Well," he said shakily, trying to decide if it would be rude for him to back away from the date now. Deep inside, he knew that he should try to wait it out; first impressions were often entirely wrong. "Since you already know about me—tell me about you."

The minute he said it, he knew he shouldn't have, for Monica began going off far too speedily to catch most of what she was saying. "Well, like I said, my name's Monica, I love matching people but I haven't been in a relationship myself in a while—strange, isn't it? So my friend Leila, I told you about her didn't I? Well, she's my best friend in the world; we do everything together. Leila is actually the one who suggested Faun Harmony to me, and here we are. Oh, goodness! Speak of the devil! Is that Leila in the street down there?" She craned her head. "Leila! Sweetie! I'm up here! Wait here for a minute, Tumnus…"

With that, Monica ran down to the street to retrieve her friend, greeting her loudly as though they had not seen each other in five years. Tumnus sighed; after an hour, it would be polite to end the date, and it couldn't get worse. Could it?

XXXX

In the woods nearest Cair Paravel, you could often find Christine and Elizabeth. Specifically, inside a hollow tree between their Trees, and it was a sort of clubhouse for the dryads. Few souls were brave enough to venture inside, but Tumnus did feel it completely necessary.

He approached, unknowing what he'd find, and after knocking nervously at the hollow, he let himself in. Inside, there was a space far roomier than he thought. An enormous red couch, with sinking cushions, took up the majority of the space, but other than that, there were parchment documents that appeared to be copyrights and hats in a queer shape of what looked like thin sausages.

The two dryads didn't notice Tumnus at first, as they were deep in conversation.

"Thank you!" Elizabeth exclaimed, "You look out for me!"

"Of course," Christine said, handing her friend the bucket of fried chicken between them, "And you look out for me and the flying monkeys, right?"

Tumnus gave a little cough, and the dryads looked over.

"Tumnus!" Christine called cheerfully, "Getting ready for your next big date?"

"That is actually what I wanted to talk with you two about." Tumnus said, fiddling with his hands. "I don't wish to go on the last date tonight. I'd like you two to cancel for me, since I don't have a way to contact this Kate."

"What? You can't!" Both dryads cried together.

Tumnus sighed. "I'm beginning to think that this Faun Harmony is just a scheme or a sort of practical joke."

"No! Never!" Christine cried, "We just want to see you have true love!"

"Besides," Elizabeth said, "we only play practical jokes on King Edmund!"

Tumnus blinked. "Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because I love him." Elizabeth said blandly.

"Does he even know who you are?"

Elizabeth knit her brows. "No. I don't think so. But, what does that have to do with anything? Anyway, why don't you want to go on this last date tonight?"

"Every single one has been a disaster!"

"Sarah wasn't that bad!" Christine protested, putting her hands on her willowy waist.

"She played tag games with complete strangers in the park, before introducing me to her mum—who was a hand puppet!"

"I thought you wanted someone who could joke with you," Christine said quietly.

"What about Kristin?" Elizabeth suggested hopefully. "She liked you."

"She started planning our honeymoon!" Tumnus ran his hands through his hair.

"You can't blame her for being…overzealous. You are a…" Christine faded and then came back with full voice. "Erm, a handsome sort of chap."

Elizabeth nodded. "At least go on this last one. Kate came all the way from Shuddering Wood. At least give her a shot."

And so, Tumnus sat in an expensive restaurant, with a bouquet suggested by the dryads in his hands, as he waited for Kate.

It seemed as though a full hour had passed, of Tumnus just sitting there, sipping on his water, reading a book that was available at the front for those eating alone and repeatedly telling the waiter to give it five more minutes. He was just about to get up and leave, when he heard a voice at the front desk.

"Excuse me, is a Master Tumnus here?"

Therefore, Tumnus sighed and kept his head at the book, telling himself that he was only trying to read the rest of the paragraph, and not dreading whatever was going to come next.

"I am so sorry," the voice from across the table said, awkwardly. "I'm usually not so late. I don't know what got into me. I'm Kate. You must be Tumnus."

Reluctantly, Tumnus looked up, and found himself staring. Kate was shockingly beautiful. She had long, curly blonde hair, and a sort of shirt made of what seemed to be tightly woven hay. "Yes," he said. "And it's all right. Should we order our supper now?"

"I have to be honest with you," Kate said hurriedly. "It wasn't my idea to sign up for Faun Harmony. My sister did it for me, and forced me to fill out the survey. I believe that if there is someone you're meant to be with, they'll present themselves to you on their own, Aslan willing. And, if not, well, that's not exactly a tragedy either."

"Really?" Tumnus asked, almost dropping his cup.

Kate nodded. "And, if I am being completely honest, I was going to be late on purpose. I didn't want another complete disaster. If you're offended, we can always just call it quits right now."

Taking a breath, Tumnus spoke up, "Kate, what you don't know is, I have the exact same feelings about all this."

"You do?" Kate's big eyes lit up. "Really?"

Tumnus nodded heartily, "I tried to get the dryads who set me up on this to cancel tonight for me."

Kate laughed. "Well, in this case, Tumnus, don't you think that (since we're here against our will and everything) we might as well have a bite to eat?"

The rest of the meal went by rather fantastically. Tumnus and Kate shared a sense of humor, and where their opinions differed, they were able to understand where the other one came from, even if they did not agree. Much of the night was spend laughing and talking. Kate even understood and laughed at Tumnus's infamous Jackdaw joke that no one ever seemed to get. There definitely seemed to be a sort of instant connection between them, along with something sudden that Tumnus had never felt before.

In fact, Tumnus even shared with Kate, then and there, his story of helping Queen Lucy out of Narnia the first time, when he had intended to kidnap her, and then telling of what it had been like in the White Witch's dungeon.

"Oh," Kate said, her eyes enormous, "it was awfully brave of you to go against the Witch's orders like that. And then the way you saved King Edmund's life…I'm honored to be having dinner with a hero."

Tumnus blushed. "I doubt you could really call me a hero. I was only trying to do the right thing, after all."

"Tumnus," Kate whispered suddenly as they had their supper plates cleared from the table. "I think there's a dryad in a fake moustache watching us."

Frowning Tumnus asked, "Is she birch or willow?"

Lowering a brow, Kate said, "Willow. Why?"

"Christine," Tumnus growled under his breath.

"Who?"

"No one. Say, would you want something for dessert?"

"Well," Kate said, blushing slightly. "I always take some cake with my tea and sardines…why are you staring at me like that?"

And so, months passed, and Tumnus continued to see Kate often. When she left the east, they continued writing letters, and to see each other as often as possible. Tumnus was quite a lot happier than he had been before, although he had been content. He would hum to himself, and walk with an extra skip in his hooves. Everyone at Cair Paravel noticed, and could not wait for the opportunity to meet his Kate at the Christmas ball that year.

The throne room was decorated in garlands and candles, and Tumnus wore a special velveteen scarf as he waited for Kate to show up through the doors. He caught sight of Christine and Elizabeth whispering by a pillar, and sent them a little wave; after all, he never would have met Kate without them, and they weren't so bad after a while. (However, the second he thought this, King Edmund found that someone had swapped his crown for Queen Lucy's, but that's another story for another day.)

When Kate came through the door, she and Tumnus locked eyes. She dropped her suitcase and went running towards him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him soundly.

"I've missed you!" she said, smiling broadly.

"And I you," Tumnus said, retuning the smile. "Come with me, I'd like to introduce you to the kings and queens of Narnia."

"I'd be honored!" Kate smiled. "Just let me put my bag somewhere other than the middle of the room…"

"What's in it?"

"Hay." Kate replied, putting the suitcase along the outer edge of the wall and taking Tumnus's arm. "Shall we, then?"

"Oh, they're so happy," Elizabeth cooed as the two fauns passed. "I knew Tumnus would find love, I knew it!"

Christine nodded contently. "Well, what should our next project be?"

The two dryads' eyes scanned the room until they came to High King Peter deep in conversation with a visiting Archenlander lord.

Christine's brow drew up instantly, "Erm, Elizabeth?"

"Yes, Christine?"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Always."

They looked at one another and said instantly, "Bromance!"

A/N: Merry Christmas, Natalie! I hope you liked it! To anyone else who read this, I'm sorry if you just wasted your life.


End file.
